A Snape Christmas
by Taxman
Summary: Okay you paragraph finatics. I fixed it. If it's still screwed, well, just read the story!!!!!


  
  
Professer Severus Snape walked out of his office. It was perfect, he thought. With Dumbledore gone, he would head the school play, A Christmas carol. He especially liked the part with the cute hooded dementor. But his most favorite part, however, was that people would obey his every beck and call. Even perfect Potter would listen.  
  
Snape walked into the Teachers room. He walked up to them.   
"Is everything prepared?" He said in his hissy voice.  
  
"Yes, Severus, but do you think you could prepare a cold potion? My students are all sick." Professer McGonagall asked, and then sneezed.  
  
"I can't, Minerva." Snape sneered. "I've got other things to do. Classes to teach. I have no time to play "docter" with your students!" He walked out. So selfish, they didn't care about him, Snape thought. He then decided to check on his play.  
Many people were putting on costumes, and all the Gryffindors were sneezing badly. Snape ignored this and began to direct the rehersal, but it turned out a disaster. Neville accidently shot purple sparks at the backround, making it dissolve.  
  
"Fifty points from Gryffindor!" Snape shouted angered. "And I want a fifteen page assignment on Toadstools, due tommaro!" The Gryffindors groaned. The Slytherin's sniggered.  
  
After a long hour or so of break-neck directing, Snape decided to sit alone in the Slytherin common room. All was very quiet, until he heard a ghost slip through the walls.  
  
"Who-who's there?!" He said taking out his wand. A short ghost of a man popped oput.  
  
"Good evening, Proffeser Snipple!" It cakled.  
  
"That's SNAPE!!!" He growled. "And why are you here?" It did a mid-air summersault.  
  
"You need to change, Severus." He cackled, but more seriously than before. "You will be visited by three ghosts, and if you ignore them, well, just take a look at me and your question is answered!" He vanished without another word. Snape was confused, and he sat shaking in his chair. He decided to take a walk, but was stopped when he heard a voice.  
  
"Hey Baby, don't move!" And a tall ghost with sunglasses and a curling haircut appeared. He had a guitar.  
"Snape, baby, You ain't nothin' but a hound dog, rockin' all the time-" It began.  
  
"But," Snape interupted. "I am not an Animagus!"  
  
"Shut up, that's not what I meant!" It said in a sing-song voice. "I'm the ghost of christmas past, so follow me, you're in for a blast!" And they went through a whirl of color, and found themselves at a younger version of Hogwarts.  
  
"Now, shall we go inside?"  
  
"Whatever, but do get me home. I have lots of homework to grade." The two walked into the castle. A young Snape was strutting around, following other students. One was playing Gobstones, and Snape shouted:  
  
"Headmaster, these two are playing for the correst answers to homework!"  
  
"Thank you, Severus. Three hundred points from Ravenclaw! No cheating allowed!"  
  
"It served them right!" Snape growled. "They were in my way!"  
  
"But they were not really betting anything, Snape. I was one of them." Snape looked at him.  
  
"But forget it," The ghost said. We have more to see!" He snapped his finger, and they were at someones houshold. A small boy with black hair and green eyes was being shoved in a cupboard.  
  
"I told you!" His uncle snarled. "You are not to do homework under this roof!" Snape   
recignized the boy at once.  
  
"Potter?!" Snape snarled. "What does HE have to do with anything?"  
  
"Well, Severus," The ghost said calmly. "You assigned him that fifteen page homework assignment" Snape didn't care.  
  
"Well, baby, that's all the time I have!" And the ghost disapeared, and Snape found himself back in the castle.  
  
"Oh Ebineezer," Hermione, who played Scrooges girlfriend said. "I hope you are happy with the life you have chosen!"  
  
"I am happy with my life, you little loser!" Snape shouted.  
  
"Are you crazy?" Harry asked. "This is part of the play!" He then sneezed. Snape looked slightly deranged, and he headed for his office. But when he arrived, he heard a rustling. Snape turned to hide, but the ghost was already in his face. He had jet-black hair and green eyes.  
  
"NO!" Snape shouted. "What are YOU doing here, James?!" James slapped his head.  
  
"Why did I have to get assigned you?! I could have gotten Brittney Spears, or maybe Christina Agulara!" But a woman with red hair had popped out of the sky.  
  
"James, you playboy! Just get on with it!" And she disapeared back.  
  
"Sorry, Lily!" He shouted back. "She isn't supposed to know I'm dating Madona." He said to Snape in an undertone.   
"But anyway," He comtinued, brushing himself off. "I am sorry to say that I am the ghost of Christmas Present. Well, let's be off then!" He flicked his wand, but nothing   
happened.   
  
"Oops! I seem to be losing it. Well, we can just walk!" And they walked to the library. Three people were doing homework, and to Snape's deep discust, it was Harry and his friends.  
  
"Yo, son!" James shouted.  
  
"Hi, dad!" Harry yelled.  
  
"We have to play catch sometimes, but I'm busy." Snape turned to James.  
  
"The point of this?"   
  
"Look at how tired they are!" James said, pointing to the dark rings under Ron's eyes.   
  
"It's bad enough with all the work with the play, and now you gave them homework on Christams eve!" Snape seemed not to notice.  
James snapped his fingers, and they were transported to Proffeser Lupin's classroom, where Lupin was helping Neville.  
  
"Why am I doing the defense charm, again?" Lupin asked him.  
  
"To protect me from Snape," Neville said shaking. "He's been mean to me today."  
  
"Listen to him!" James said. " It's not his fault he's clumsy!"  
  
"Well, he makes to many mistakes!" Snape hissed. "He practicly destroys my classroom every time!" James shook his head.   
  
"It appears you have not changed." He said. "I must now leave you to the ghost of   
Christmas future!"  
  
"Is it a cute dementor?!" Snape said blushing.  
  
"NO!!!" James shouted dramaticly. "It's the thing all men fear." He disapeared, and a hooded ghost appeared.  
  
"HOW CYUTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!" Snape shouted, but the thing drew down it's hood.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He screamed.  
  
"Well, hello there!" A ghost with shining teeth said. "My most favorite person, Severus Snape!"  
  
"Why must you be here!?" Snape said. "I want someone else other than Lockhart!"  
  
"Dreadfully sorry," Lockhart said. "I'm the only one stupid enough for the job. Anyway, we need to take you into the future!" And a purple mist overcame them. They were on a cobbled street, but it looked like a ghost town. Buildings were burnt down, and several people were on the street, homeless.  
  
"Where are we?"  
  
"Diagon alley," Lockhart said abruptly. "This is what it was like once the Slytherins took over."  
  
"What?!" Snape snapped.  
  
"Oh, you didn't know," Lockhart said. "Remember how the Gryfindors got the cold? Well, it spread around the whole castle, and everyone got it except the Slytherins. That cold was deadly, Severus. Everyone that caught it died." He drew a deep breath. "Of course, the Slytherins used this well. They destroyed the school, and started to take over."  
  
"Crap!" Snape said. "I liked that office."  
Lockhart shook his head and snapped his fingerA (very nifty way to travel, no?), and they were in a graveyard.  
  
"These are the graves of all the sick ones," Lockart said sadly. "Of course, the world will remember this one." He pointed at a very dusty grave. Snape cautiously approached it, and wiped it off. It read:  
  
  
Here lies Severus Snape  
Killed in the Burning Down of Hogwarts1974-2000 A.D.  
  
Snape went down on his knees.   
  
"Please," He begged. "Tell me I can change! Tell me, this is only a prediction!"  
Lockhart kept laughing, laughing, and laughing. Snape was screaming.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He woke up with a jolt on the sofa. He was alive.  
  
"I'm ALIVE!!!!!!" He shouted running through the halls. He ran to his office and pickied up some potions.  
  
"Here!" He said, handing one to about everyone he saw. It was Christmas morning! What a wonderful morning. He ran to Lupin's office, ran up to Neville.  
  
"ACKK!" Neville shouted as Snape started hugging him. He ran off for the school playroom.  
  
"Cancel the play!" He shouted. "Lets have a party instead!" Fred and George came in with mugs of butterbeer, and music played. Snape began to sing "Put a little love in your heart!"  
  
"And the world will be a better place, and the world will be a better place, for you and me-"  
Snape glanced at a ledge, where James was sitting playing catch with Harry, Lockhart was signing books, and The ghost of Christmas was playing his guitar. Snape waved, and they did so back.  
Snape stepped onto the audotorium.  
  
" I guess it just goes to show," He said. "That stories like this are not only cliche, but they are complete nonsense. But anyway, I got some partyin' to do!"  
The great hall had it's best Christmas ever.  
  
  
  
  
THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
Cast  
Warning spirit- Peeves  
Ghost of Chritsmas past-Elvis  
Ghost of Christmas Present- James Potter  
Ghost of Christmas future- Gilderoy Lockhart  
Snape-himself  
Harry-himself  
Unlce- Mr.Vernon Dursley  
Everyone else as themselves  
  
  
  
A/N Well, did you like it? I hoped you did, and I also hope you thought it was funny. Sorry to Katie Bell, if you think I copied it WHICH I DIDN'T. This idea was sorta based on the Bill Murray movie scrooged. Actually, the only part it was like was when everyone sang "Put a little love in your heart." Anyway, Merry four months after christmas!!  
  



End file.
